So I have a confession to make about one of my guiltiest pleasures. It’s something I can only do late at night when everyone else is asleep, because quite frankly I’m ashamed of it.
Whether I’m just coming back from a night out or have stayed up all night for reasons beyond my comprehension, it’s just something I have to do to get to sleep if I’m up past 4 a.m.
You probably guessed it already—I watch late-night infomercials.
Don’t judge me.
And I already know what you’re thinking, so let me address that before I continue—I’m aware that there are infomercials all hours of the day and especially on weekends, too, and I sometimes get pulled in by their luster, too. Every time I see one I have to put down whatever it is I’m doing and watch.
They’re all such train wrecks; I just can’t look away!
In my opinion, the best (or worst, depending on your point of view) is anything made by Ronco.
This guy Ron Popeil has re-invented everything from ovens to knives! His most recent ad opens with some chucklehead going “whoosh, whoosh” as one of his knives cuts through various fruits and vegetables.
I don’t know if I want my knives providing sound effects every time I cut something.
Then it cuts to the “host,” who really only talks for about two seconds before introducing Ron Popeil, who walks in with a drawer full of knives and promptly throws them away.
Why? Because you only need one knife, and that’s his knife! Unless, of course, you want to chop onions, cut your rosebushes, carve turkey, filet fish (and then re-filet the filet) cut hammers or slice through frozen food while it’s still in the box.
Don’t worry, though, the other 24 knives he sends you will do all things and they’ll even take up some of that space you just freed up by throwing out your old ones.
Shortly after the intro, Popeil’s cousin Arnold goes through and shows the audience (all of whom evidently already own the damn knives, anyway) how to do all the aforementioned things with each of the 24 amazing knives you’ll receive.
He wastes such an abhorrent amount of food that it’s mindboggling—there’s probably enough food being shoved into that disposal to feed a small village for a day.
After a bit, Ron takes over so things can get really crazy. He throws every knife he has into this deal, always punctuated by “Wait, there’s more!”
Now, I suppose I could take a turn here and relate the idea of “Wait, there’s more!” to the promises both parties continue to make to voters.
I could probably talk about how these infomercial artists are making money hand over fist even during this financial crisis because idiots out there can’t afford their house payments but gosh darn it they do need to cut up hammers and frozen foods!
But I won’t. I will tell you to check out this infomercial on YouTube if you need a good laugh. Check the comments, too—apparently, there are others out there like me who follow these things. Chef Tony, Popeil’s bitter rival, has some vocal supporters posting on the video, too.
Oh, and one more thing before I call it for this week. Anyone got any clothes, shoes, textbooks, printer paper or food I can borrow? I got a little carried away testing out my new knives.
Josh Kratovil may be reached at jkratovil@ut.edu.
Confessions Of An Infomercial Fan
Published: Thursday, October 23, 2008
Updated: Thursday, October 23, 2008
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